I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
