so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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