We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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