i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
