Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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