I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
