I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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