My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
