Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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