Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
