I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
