its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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