Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
