ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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