either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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