FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
