I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
