Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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