I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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