I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
