was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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