I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
