I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
