So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
