we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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