better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
