Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
