Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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