When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
