There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
