Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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