Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
