I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
