Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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