he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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