Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
