My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
