a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
