My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
