hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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