I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
