just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
