I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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