Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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