i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
