Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
