I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
