she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
