It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
