he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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